I’m going to throw off my carefully planned weekly blog schedule right now because I feel the urgent need to write this post and get it out there ASAP. I need to write this while I’m still feeling raw and overwhelmed and exhausted to the point of potentially not making total sense. That’s my favorite time to write.
Last night I cracked. I fell apart. I had been teetering on the edge for some time. I could feel a breakdown getting close, but I was doing everything I could to hold it together and put it off. I thought maybe if I just pushed things aside they would go away. They didn’t, and I broke.
Yesterday I was exhausted. I was stressed out. I didn’t even know what exactly was wrong. It was one of those moments where all of the little stressors that had been hovering over me for awhile just seemed to pile all together on top of me, so I collapsed. I had to make a decision last night, and I didn’t know what to do about it. That was the trigger. I’m bad at decisions. That decision felt like life or death in the moment because of everything else that was brewing inside my head. I acted like that one choice was the only thing stressing me out, but it was really everything that had built up for so long.
I was on the phone when I cracked. I started sobbing, hung up on the person I was talking to, and ran into my room. I cried harder than I had in a long time, and I couldn’t slow down. It was the hyperventilating kinda cry. Super cute. I pretty much threw a temper tantrum like a five year old. Have you ever cried so hard that it feels like the room is spinning and you literally can’t breathe? In that moment, I was really irritated with myself for crying so hard. I knew I was being overly dramatic. But I couldn’t fucking help it. Nothing huge and horrible is going on in my life. There’s just a lot of little things on my mind, and I’m stressed out about them. Instead of facing that stress, I’ve just been pushing forward each day, ignoring my discontent and hoping it would magically go away. But it’s definitely been affecting me, and last night it just became too much.
Anyways, my hyperventilating sobs alerted Nina. She came into my room and hugged me and asked me what was going on. I told her about the conversation I just had and why I was so stressed. Then I just kind of started spilling out all of the things that have been on my mind. I’ve been stressed about friendships, family, school, and work. I’m worried about the future. I’m worried about my health. I feel like I’m constantly disappointing other people. I feel like I don’t have enough time in the day to do everything. I’m scared I’m making the wrong decisions. You know, all of the little things. I’ve barely been sleeping, and I haven’t given myself a chance to stop and breathe. Instead of facing my feelings, I’ve let them build up in my head and ferment.
What I needed last night was to let it all out. That’s something I’ve always prided myself on. I’m a big believer in letting it all out. I’m all about having a good cry. For some reason, though, these past few months I haven’t let myself. I felt like I didn’t have time, and that was a huge mistake. I never hold it in like I have been recently, and this just proved to me that the whole “ignore it and it will go away” thing DOES NOT WORK. Last night, Nina told me exactly what I needed to hear. She said, “Christina. What do you always tell me? You tell me not to hold it all in. You tell me that I need to cry and talk about it.”
She was so right. I had fallen into that trap of not following my own advice. I just needed to let myself break. After I did, Nina was able to tell me everything I had been trying to tell myself for months. The thing is, sometimes it’s hard to believe things that you tell yourself. Sometimes it’s easier to hear it from an outside source. I felt like I just wanted to give up on a lot of things I’ve been working toward. That is so unlike me. I’ve always been a fighter, never a quitter. But because I hadn’t given myself permission to let it all out, I felt like I literally could not continue anymore if things stayed the same, so I thought giving up might be the only option. When I explained it out loud, though, I realized that giving up wasn’t what I needed to do at all. I just needed to voice my frustrations. As I realized that inside my head, Nina said it to me out loud, and it gave me the confidence to pull my shit together and start today fresh.
My point is, I needed to break. We all crack at some point. It might be over something silly and insignificant, or it might be over something intense and serious. Maybe you lost a friendship. Maybe you stubbed your toe. Maybe you didn’t get the job. Maybe you shrunk your favorite shirt in the laundry. It doesn’t matter how trivial or important it is, though. No matter what it is, if you need to crack, JUST LET YOURSELF. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you’re feeling. If you need to cry like a baby, then whatever. Cry as hard as you fucking can.
Nobody is perfect. Nobody’s life is easy and simple and 100% rainbows and sunshine. If it is, then that person is probably not doing anything exciting or hard or adventurous or emotionally significant. All of us post pictures and Instagram stories and Snapchat videos that showcase the fun parts of our lives. When we’re broken down crying in our rooms, we don’t usually make a Snapchat story about it. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
I wanted to write this for a few reasons. First, I just want you to know that it’s okay to just let it out. Talk about what’s going on. Don’t ever feel like your feelings are invalid or unworthy of attention. Don’t hold it in, though, or it’s gonna eat you alive. You can journal. You can talk to a friend. You can literally message me and I promise I will reply and not judge you. But value your emotions enough to give them attention and not sweep them under the rug.
Second, I just want to emphasize the fact that nobody’s life is perfect. The other day, my friend asked me for advice about one of her friendships. After a long, deep talk, she said, “I don’t know how you always keep it together. You always know what to say.” LOL. I told her what I’m about to say right here – I don’t have it all together. EVER. I’m emotional and ridiculous and I cry and get stressed out and don’t know what the hell to do half the time. But that’s OKAY. People who give advice and talk about health and wellness have difficulties every day just like everyone else. Honestly, I think it’s the reason most people get interested in health and wellness to begin with. They have personal experience with hitting their breaking points, and they want to help other people feel less alone when things get tough or confusing. But that doesn’t mean those people don’t still hit their breaking points every so often. The people we take advice from and admire are human, just like us. They have emotions, struggles, and stressors – we just don’t always see them.
I don’t ever want to be the kind of blogger who only talks about the positive. Real life has ups and downs. That’s just the way it is. Being 100% real includes happy times, sad times, exciting times, frustrating times, and everything in between. If I want to give you a realistic look at my life, it includes this kinda stuff, too.
Okay, so that was the point. I CRACKED. It wasn’t the first time, and it definitely won’t be the last. There’s no reason to try and put on a brave face. There’s no one to impress. I’d rather feel, be honest about it, and keep my sanity than try to box up my frustrations until that box explodes. I deserve more than that.
Also, if ya need me, I’m here for ya.
P.S. Shoutout to Nina for being my rock. If you find a Nina, never let her go.
P.P.S. Let me know if the diary style posts are annoying or if I should continue? I’m kinda into it.